Home
Search
Latest images
Register
Log inA shot later
5 posters
Fruits Basket :: Off topic :: Creations
Page 1 of 1
A shot later
Tohru Thu May 17, 2007 6:37 pm
This story is about some persons I invented by myself. I can add some information about the persons if you'd like.
Actually it's just a short story I wrote for a competition, but if you'd really like it, I'll write some more chapters.
Chapter 1 A shot later
A week ago we crashed with an airplane. Five of us survived. The rest of us we had to leave behind. But we had no choice. Otherwise, we never came of this island. And finally I might forget I came with a mission. Maybe this mission was impossible because of the many people who died. But I didn’t know anything about it on that moment. A week ago I'd got a message of WMSO, Worldwide Male Spies Organisation. It told me:
'In Venice stays a group of youth. One of them is a murderer. Your target is to save the group and if you have to, you may kill the person'.
'How long does it take?' asked Vivian. I don’t expect any murder actions of her. She can nag about her feet which hurt after ten minutes walking.
'Keep your mouth for once. Otherwise, I kill you, because I’m hungry', said Alex very threatening. After these words there was a tense atmosphere. Nobody dared to say something. With every rustle petal, Vivian faded. Even I felt not very comfortable. I think because I knew what could happen. Kitty was too quiet, I thought. And Daan and Daisy were only busy with each other.
'I’m glad you’re still alive', said Daisy all the time. I’m getting crazy!
We took a little break.
'I have to go to the toilet', said Alex and walked away from the group, while we agreed to stay together. But it’s fine, there were always exceptions.
I closed my eyes for a moment and only heard sounds I don’t want to hear at the background. Vivian groaned; Daan and Daisy don’t think it’s a big trouble to be in the middle of nowhere.
For a little moment it’s deathly quiet. Too quiet, if you asked me. It doesn’t take longer as five seconds and a shot followed. And another one followed.
'Mike, what was that?' asked Daisy with a very short of breath.
'No idea, but we'll know very soon'. I run in the direction where the shots came from. There I saw Alex. She was lying on the flour with her face buried in the sand. Her body rests in a halo of blood. I stood still for a moment.
'Too late, Mike. Tell your boss WFSO had been here before you'. A woman stood in front of me. She was from Worldwide Female Spies Organisation. A concurrent that became stronger and stronger.
'Be a woman and put down your mask', I ordered her. Something unexpected happened. She listened to me and putted off her mask.
'It scared you, didn’t it?' It was Kitty. I stood riveted to the ground.
A shot later everything became black.
Actually it's just a short story I wrote for a competition, but if you'd really like it, I'll write some more chapters.
Chapter 1 A shot later
A week ago we crashed with an airplane. Five of us survived. The rest of us we had to leave behind. But we had no choice. Otherwise, we never came of this island. And finally I might forget I came with a mission. Maybe this mission was impossible because of the many people who died. But I didn’t know anything about it on that moment. A week ago I'd got a message of WMSO, Worldwide Male Spies Organisation. It told me:
'In Venice stays a group of youth. One of them is a murderer. Your target is to save the group and if you have to, you may kill the person'.
'How long does it take?' asked Vivian. I don’t expect any murder actions of her. She can nag about her feet which hurt after ten minutes walking.
'Keep your mouth for once. Otherwise, I kill you, because I’m hungry', said Alex very threatening. After these words there was a tense atmosphere. Nobody dared to say something. With every rustle petal, Vivian faded. Even I felt not very comfortable. I think because I knew what could happen. Kitty was too quiet, I thought. And Daan and Daisy were only busy with each other.
'I’m glad you’re still alive', said Daisy all the time. I’m getting crazy!
We took a little break.
'I have to go to the toilet', said Alex and walked away from the group, while we agreed to stay together. But it’s fine, there were always exceptions.
I closed my eyes for a moment and only heard sounds I don’t want to hear at the background. Vivian groaned; Daan and Daisy don’t think it’s a big trouble to be in the middle of nowhere.
For a little moment it’s deathly quiet. Too quiet, if you asked me. It doesn’t take longer as five seconds and a shot followed. And another one followed.
'Mike, what was that?' asked Daisy with a very short of breath.
'No idea, but we'll know very soon'. I run in the direction where the shots came from. There I saw Alex. She was lying on the flour with her face buried in the sand. Her body rests in a halo of blood. I stood still for a moment.
'Too late, Mike. Tell your boss WFSO had been here before you'. A woman stood in front of me. She was from Worldwide Female Spies Organisation. A concurrent that became stronger and stronger.
'Be a woman and put down your mask', I ordered her. Something unexpected happened. She listened to me and putted off her mask.
'It scared you, didn’t it?' It was Kitty. I stood riveted to the ground.
A shot later everything became black.
Last edited by on Sat Jun 02, 2007 5:49 pm; edited 3 times in total
Tohru- Admin
-
Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Ayaka- Newbie
- Number of posts : 39
Age : 28
Registration date : 2007-05-17
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Re: A shot later
Nyuka Mon May 21, 2007 8:15 pm
Your vocabulary is good enough to make it a good story!
I like the first chapter, but things are a little bit strange. I don't really follow the story.
Perhaps you could make it a little easier to understand, explain more about the characters. How the hell they got there. I don't know if you know the serie LOST. But it reminds me of that a little. Maybe you could watch an episode to get some ideas of what I mean?
I like the whole spie-thing.
It kicks ass.
Well, I hope you won't take my advice the wrong way! I like these kind of stories, so I definitely think you should continue!
I like the first chapter, but things are a little bit strange. I don't really follow the story.
Perhaps you could make it a little easier to understand, explain more about the characters. How the hell they got there. I don't know if you know the serie LOST. But it reminds me of that a little. Maybe you could watch an episode to get some ideas of what I mean?
I like the whole spie-thing.
It kicks ass.Well, I hope you won't take my advice the wrong way! I like these kind of stories, so I definitely think you should continue!
Nyuka- Junishi
- Number of posts : 657
Age : 33
Localisation : yaoi-land
Registration date : 2007-05-18 -
Re: A shot later
Tohru Mon May 21, 2007 11:15 pm
You should know that writing is my favourite hobby. And I have the whole story in my head. Just to get in on paper, it's difficult.
But I could make an other topic with some profiles of the characters. Just to make it easier to get this story.
And I could make more chapters, of course.. 
But I could make an other topic with some profiles of the characters. Just to make it easier to get this story.
And I could make more chapters, of course..
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Re: A shot later
Nyuka Tue May 22, 2007 12:31 pm
Tohru wrote:You should know that writing is my favourite hobby. And I have the whole story in my head. Just to get in on paper, it's difficult.
But I could make an other topic with some profiles of the characters. Just to make it easier to get this story.
Yes that's a good idea.
Should I post the written story of my manga as well? Writing and drawing is are like my favourite hobbies.
Nyuka- Junishi
- Number of posts : 657
Age : 33
Localisation : yaoi-land
Registration date : 2007-05-18 -
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Ayaka- Newbie
- Number of posts : 39
Age : 28
Registration date : 2007-05-17
Re: A shot later
Smurfje Fri May 25, 2007 3:40 pm
I still like your story, although I think that Nyuka is right. It's quite difficult to follow the story when you don't know what to expect, since you don't have an introduction or something related to it.
Secondly, in my opinion are your sentences in your first paragraph a little too short. But perhaps that's because my own sentences are too long.
By the way, I wrote a little story myself for the same contest as Tohru. Only I didn't send it in, I thought it wasn't good enough anyway.
Secondly, in my opinion are your sentences in your first paragraph a little too short. But perhaps that's because my own sentences are too long.
By the way, I wrote a little story myself for the same contest as Tohru. Only I didn't send it in, I thought it wasn't good enough anyway.
Smurfje- Friend
- Number of posts : 205
Age : 33
Localisation : Under a big mushroom
Registration date : 2007-05-22
Re: A shot later
Nyuka Sat May 26, 2007 11:44 am
@ Tohru: I can't wait for more chapters, and the character display was a very good idea! Maybe you could make an introduction into the story, it's not weird to make a second chapter the introduction story, it happens a lot. If you make another chapter, I recommend making another topic just for that chapter. Like: ''Tohru's Story #1, chapter 2'' Someting like that. ^_^
@ Smurfje: Oh please send it in, and could you tell me what the contest actually was? They most of the time have a small summary for those. (I don't mind if Tohru-san tells me either.) But please post it! I'm looking forward to it. ^_^
@ Smurfje: Oh please send it in, and could you tell me what the contest actually was? They most of the time have a small summary for those. (I don't mind if Tohru-san tells me either.) But please post it! I'm looking forward to it. ^_^
Nyuka- Junishi
- Number of posts : 657
Age : 33
Localisation : yaoi-land
Registration date : 2007-05-18 -
Re: A shot later
Smurfje Sun May 27, 2007 3:11 pm
Ah well, it was a very long time ago, but I believe it was a contest which stood on a "pak hagelslag" (Oh darn, I can't translate that. 
), named Venz or something.
I don't know about posting it.
It's in Dutch, and since this is a english site.
), named Venz or something.I don't know about posting it.
It's in Dutch, and since this is a english site.
Smurfje- Friend
- Number of posts : 205
Age : 33
Localisation : Under a big mushroom
Registration date : 2007-05-22
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Re: A shot later
Nyuka Mon May 28, 2007 3:02 pm
''pak hagelslag'' Lol. XD That looks really funny in an english sentence. Hahaha. XD
Lol.
Well, I'll try to go and translate a ''pak hagelslag''. XD
A package of hailhit. XD Lets call it hailhit.
Lol.
Well, I'll try to go and translate a ''pak hagelslag''. XD
A package of hailhit. XD Lets call it hailhit.
Nyuka- Junishi
- Number of posts : 657
Age : 33
Localisation : yaoi-land
Registration date : 2007-05-18 -
Re: A shot later
Tohru Mon Jun 04, 2007 1:04 pm
I'm working on Chapter 2. It'll be here in a few days.
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Noah- Moderator
- Number of posts : 191
Age : 32
Registration date : 2007-05-18
Re: A shot later
Tohru Thu Jun 07, 2007 10:01 pm
Alright, it's a little bit short, but I haven't got much inspiration. Maybe chapter 3 will be some more...
Chapter 2
Alright, while I was laying here with my eyes closed, four staring people at me and some dead girl next to me, I could at least explain to you how we got here.
Vivian is an actress. She played several movies and she became famous. Together with her friends Daan and Daisy she’d gone to Las Vegas. Of course she met some new people. Like me, Kitty, Alex and a lot more. I wasn’t really a friend of Vivian. I was just acting like one. I had to keep an eye on her because one of her new friends would be a murderer; WMSO told me. So at the end of the holiday we’d to move back home. An actress, a spy, a murderer and just one airplane. Of course we crashed in the middle of nowhere. I hadn’t expect anything else…
‘Vivian, why is he so important? Just let him go. We have to go further’.
‘No, Daisy, we have to take Mike and Alex with us’.
‘Listen to me, Vivian. They’re not your friends. Look at us. Daan and I. We are your friends. You should take care of us’.
Some minutes later it was quite. Vivian and her friends were gone. How could this ever happen? I was totally shocked. Kity had run away and I lay here. My arm hurt and my heart even more… Where was Vivian? Was she safe? Did I had go and watch? Alex was death, so it wasn’t necessary at all. But I couldn’t go back to WMSO like this.
I couldn’t waste time. Every second did count. Run, run, run… Like nobody did. In a couple minutes I saw Vivian. She was laying next to a tree. I mean, how beautiful…
Chapter 2
Alright, while I was laying here with my eyes closed, four staring people at me and some dead girl next to me, I could at least explain to you how we got here.
Vivian is an actress. She played several movies and she became famous. Together with her friends Daan and Daisy she’d gone to Las Vegas. Of course she met some new people. Like me, Kitty, Alex and a lot more. I wasn’t really a friend of Vivian. I was just acting like one. I had to keep an eye on her because one of her new friends would be a murderer; WMSO told me. So at the end of the holiday we’d to move back home. An actress, a spy, a murderer and just one airplane. Of course we crashed in the middle of nowhere. I hadn’t expect anything else…
‘Vivian, why is he so important? Just let him go. We have to go further’.
‘No, Daisy, we have to take Mike and Alex with us’.
‘Listen to me, Vivian. They’re not your friends. Look at us. Daan and I. We are your friends. You should take care of us’.
Some minutes later it was quite. Vivian and her friends were gone. How could this ever happen? I was totally shocked. Kity had run away and I lay here. My arm hurt and my heart even more… Where was Vivian? Was she safe? Did I had go and watch? Alex was death, so it wasn’t necessary at all. But I couldn’t go back to WMSO like this.
I couldn’t waste time. Every second did count. Run, run, run… Like nobody did. In a couple minutes I saw Vivian. She was laying next to a tree. I mean, how beautiful…
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Re: A shot later
Nyuka Fri Jun 08, 2007 11:20 am
Too bad it's so short.
Also, I didn't know someone had died so I have to re-read the first chapter.
Positive:
I think your writing style became better and I like the ending sentence.
Also, I didn't know someone had died so I have to re-read the first chapter.
Positive:
I think your writing style became better and I like the ending sentence.
Nyuka- Junishi
- Number of posts : 657
Age : 33
Localisation : yaoi-land
Registration date : 2007-05-18 -
Tohru- Admin
- Number of posts : 415
Age : 33
Localisation : Home
Registration date : 2007-05-16 -
Re: A shot later
Nyuka Fri Jun 08, 2007 8:59 pm
Tohru wrote:Thank you!
I promise chapter 3 will be larger.
^_^ That's cool.
Oh yeah. I promised to post some poems right? Well, I did. ^_^
Nyuka- Junishi
- Number of posts : 657
Age : 33
Localisation : yaoi-land
Registration date : 2007-05-18 -
Fruits Basket :: Off topic :: Creations
Page 1 of 1
Permissions in this forum:
You cannot reply to topics in this forum